Day 3 Santa Monica - Las Vegas (300 miles)

What no one told me and as the other William put it, riding these bikes is riding a bit of farm machinery. They're incredibly big, very heavy and everything shakes when you get off, and i mean everything. We were slow to start this morning after the night before and after a leisurely breakfast in LA at the appropriately named Kings Road Cafe, we set off with Johnny Churchill in tow, who had taken it upon himself to hire a Lambourghini for the trip. Very LA. Very Churchill. Now I'm sure a lot of people like it, after all 10 million people can't be wrong but I just don't get LA. It's big, it's sprawlling, it's mostly dirty and ugly. I'm obviously missing something but I wasn't sorry to see the back of it, but as a final insult we headed east on highway 10 which has to be the worst stretch of road anywhere in the US. It' bumpy, cracked and packed. A 6 lane motorway full on a Sunday morning. Where are these people going? Maybe they just like the idea of driving nose to tail for hours on end on rubbish roads. Either that or the "all you can eat brunch for $6.99".

Driving through the desert, once we'd switched roads to the 15 for Vegas. The road was as you would imagine. Barren, straight and miles of tarmac. We have invented games to pass the time. William's favourite is trying to blow his nose at 80mph with limited success. Mine is a headstand and Massimo's is to read texts and then reply to them! The burning neon lanscape was a welcome relief after a long day in the saddle although I am improving my oragami positions to the relief of my numb bum. Parked up, showered, couple of beers followed by dinner at Smith and Woolenskys and 4 of the biggest steaks we, including William, have ever seen. They really were that big, but goooood, oh so goooood. Fortunately the bone shaking has subsided sufficiently to fall asleep, but I'm still having some issues with jet lag. Still can't sleep beyond 5am no matter how hard William soothes me with his log sawing in the next door bed. Ear plugs now purchased. My Spurts are working like a treat (for any new listeners pls refer to earlier blogs) and i am now a full convert. Contemplating making them a permanent fixture.

Day off tomorrow, can't wait. Seems a bit ridiculous to have a day off quite so soon into the trip but if you're going to have a day off, it might as well be Vegas right?? More soon.....

Day 2 - Pismo Beach to Santa Monica (190 miles)

Santa Monica is as beautiful as Pismo Beach was disappointing. More stunning coastal roads, particularly around Malibu made even more enjoyable by the fact that the bikes are now beginning to become an extention of our own bodies. Obviously not quite true, but you try sitting in the same position for 3 hours!! Fortunately for Nutting, he's about 2 feet smaller than Massimo and me so he folds his legs backwards in some kind of oragami position to release the pressure. I think I need to do more yoga when I get back.

Had an excellent dinner at Chateau Marmot in LA on Saturday night with an old army friend from NY, Johnny Churchill, who flew out to join us on the the LA - Vegas route, more about that later. So overall an ok day in the saddle. Tomorrow, Vegas bound!

Day 1 - San Francisco to Pismo Beach (290 miles)

We arrived at Pismo Beach exhausted but elated having completed our first day along some of the most beautiful scenery you have, or are ever likely to see. Pacific Highway 1 between Carmel and Cambria has consistantly been voted the #1 driving road anywhere in the world and the 80 miles of coast asphalt didn't disappoint. Where else can you 'smell' the sea and wipe off ocean spray from your visor? It was in stark contrast to our departure from San Francisco in heavy mist and rain some 8 hours earlier.

We arrived in San Fran on time, picked up the bikes, checked into the Hotel and went for a cruise around town. We picked up two beautiful blondes, potentially the prettiest girls in California currently and took them out for a pizza. One was called Emily, the other Sophie and they are both the daughters of my travelling companion, Mr Nutting. At 7 and 4 years old they were excellent company for 3 middle aged men almost too exhausted to speak. I am sharing a room with William, so I guess I'll have to get used to the gentle sound of someone sawing wood about 3 feet from my head! Quite how I would describe some of the other sounds without using words such as zoo, pre-historic and thunder, I'm not sure.

The bikes are great. Huge, but great. The noise is as you would expect and can induce a nose bleed and ear ache to any unsuspecting adult or child from 20 feet. The only real issue is communicating on the move. It's a bit like trying to talk to someone in a night club. What the person says is normally pretty irrelevant and the listener can't really hear what they're saying anyway, so just answers with a thumbs up and a big smile. Similar to when you're cruising at 70mph in an open faced helmet. So, far so good. Massimo, William and myself are all competing on the facial hair front. William has even bought himself a trimmer!

More to follow soon dear listener, as I pen this from a coffee shop in Santa Barbara. Next stop Malibu for lunch and Santa Monica later. Warm and sunny, perfect conditions for catching flies in a happy biker's teeth!! More soon..............................

Well, here we are. We've all made it to Heathrow on time and with our various bits and bobs. Plenty of kit envy going and chat about bike experience. Nutting has already charged round most of the airport buying tooth brushes, deodorent and a box of sushi, go figure. Massimo has already been up for about 3 days by the look of the man but the good news is that we're all well ahead in the facial hair stakes and each of us is sporting some kind of early growth. A beard but with 'L' plates so to speak.

So, cup of coffee, strategise about routes, pit stops and work out exactly how tired we'll be by the time we land. I just wanted to take this opportunity to tell karin and the boys that I love them very much and I promise not to fall off, or at least not at high speed!!

Up, up and away!! More soon listeners from the land of Uncle Sam and the great outdoors!

The Holy Grail of underpants

Dear Listeners, you'll be glad to hear that I have finally found the holy grail of the tighty whiteys. If in doubt, please go directly to the photos on this blog for proof. I went for the safe bet as they're made by "Jockey" as of the famous Y-front variety (which I'm happy to say they still maintain) but it's the name of this new brand that really caught my eye. Now I don't really have any true marketing experience in all all honesty, but even I can see that calling a line of underpants, "Spurt", may lead to some eyebrows being raised. It's a bit like Boeing releasing a new plane and calling it the "Boeing Crash Landing". If I hadn't taken a photo I suspect 90% of you would've believed me, but above is the proof.

Well, bags packed, passport checked and photos of the family tucked into my wallet where my money used to be. Off to London tonight and then an 11am flight to San Francisco on Thursday morning. Over £2500 pounds raised which I'm thrilled about and thank you all again who have donated so generously, it will make a huge difference to those it's going to. More soon..............

2 days to go

So, last week this side of the Atlantic and the excitement is beginning to build to fever pitch. I am panicking about the right underwear, Massimo continues to have some small leakage issues and Nutting is still in Bali - brilliant! Somehow it all seems a bit close now and I can almost see myself on a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair, warm smell of colitas rising up through the air.............. yeah, well, you know what I mean! Nutting having realised his complete lack of input so far, tried to throw a dog a bone yesterday by saying that he would organise the bike to bike communications. Nice, I thought, a sophisticated bit of kit used by police forces all round the world to ensure a good bit of chat along some boring desert road to help ease some of the boredom, plus you look cool when the helmet comes off and you've got that "Madonna" type microphone streched from ear to cheek. Not a bit of it. Nutting's version is "Walkie Talkies" or "Talkie Walkies" (as they are called in France - I promise!) would do the job apparently. How? You need a free hand, be within about 15 meters and be able to hear what someone else is saying at 60mph with a helmet on? Not sure our Balinese connection has quite thought this through, but he has assured me that after one of the best manicures he's ever had, his nails twinkle like pink diamonds - OMG and I'm sharing a room with him, so why am I laughing??!!


Still on the hunt for some tighty whiteys. Went shopping on Saturday for some and lost my nerve. I thought it would be easy. Short type of style, easy access/exit at front and not too tight. Well, let me tell you listeners, for those that have never tried to buy some, don't. It was quite a nerve wracking experience, my confidence is shot and I'm no closer to buying them. Imagine, I'm standing in the TW section surrounded by no end of shapes and sizes and I'm not talking about the shorts but more the picture on the front. Now, for my part, when it comes to clothing I've always been a Large/X-Large in pretty much everything I own apart from TWs apparently. Do they hire men to model these things to make the purchaser feel inferior because, based on what I saw, these men, in their spare time, use their appendage to do impressions of balloon giraffes and chairlift cables. My sad conclusion therefore is that I think I must be a small-medium at best, all quite depressing really. Plus , white, black, multi coloured, humour, even one pair in army camouflage!! What's all that about?? Anyway, will try again tomorrow when I get some courage back.

It's amazing how much advice I'm being given as well. Some good to be fair and some absolute rubbish. Our painter came up with a classic today who, by his own admission doesn't ride bikes, told me to be careful when riding past something note worthy that everyone is looking at in case the person in front brakes and everyone else, who hasn't braked, smashes into the back of him!! So in other words, look where you're going and don't ever brake if you're in front of others - check. Right, off to go and do some packing less a bag and several pairs of TWs......................

Sorry, bit late today finishing up in the office and packing up for next week so went out for a quick few drinks after work with my able and delightful assistant, Gabriella, and her equally as beautiful sister, Tami - there you go girls, now you're famous wait for the Hollywood contracts to come flooding in....... Anyway, we started talking about the trip, inevitably, and we got to wondering what sort of bag I should take. A fairly simple thing I hear you say. Well normally, yes, but on this occasion, no. My old friend Sean furrowed his brow and said, "buy one out there mate, much cheaper!" Brilliant, so I just walk through customs with clothes hanging off every limb looking like a chinese laundry employee? Nah. Now I do agree with Sean that everything else, sure, just buy it en route - fill ya boots, but a bag.......... It has to be big enough to fit all my clothes in, including the tighty whiteys (not yet purchased, thinking of having them made in India. Modelled on an elephants head ;-)) but not so big that I'll be the first man to wheelie across America, (now there's a challenge). So I'm thinking canvas, practical, not to big but easy to strap on to the back of me hog. Should do the trick. Note to self, better go and find one tomorrow.

Fund raising is going well, up to £1600 which is great, many thanks to those who've donated - truly amazing, thank you. In the meantime, young Nutting (my travelling companian) continues to sun his ample derriere down in Bali, presumably girding his loins and resting beforing springing into action to help with all the arrangements when he arrives back to the UK the day before we leave - idle bastard. Massimo, however, who's joining us for the first week, is so excited we had reports that his wife is looking into getting him some adult incontinence underpants (my mate Sean recommends the "Sleep easy" variety apparently. Pracical and fashionable - whaaaaat!!!!!?????) to prevent small dribbles all over the house, bless.

Tomorrow, drop kids off at school, gym, meeting with lawyers to discuss will (mine not the idle version in bali) buy appropriate travelling bag, then out to dinner. All looking good for a friday. More soon..................................